‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—As the department store chain prepared to file for bankruptcy and close its retail locations, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert reportedly announced “The convergence is at hand” Thursday as all Sears employees, clad in white gowns, reported to company headquarters. “Brothers and sisters of Sears, I beseech you to join me as we enter the next plane of our company’s existence,” said the beatific Lampert, adorned in a gleaming white robe and his head shaved, as all 140,000 Sears employees left their stores across the nation and made their way to the Prairie Stone Business Park, where they were told they would receive their instructions at dawn. “The time has come to walk away from your post in the clothing or home goods section, to close your cash register and abandon your long toil in the stockroom, and follow me as we prepare to clock out for the last time. We shall all move forward as one body, my brothers and sisters of Sears, into our glorious, golden future. Join me as we welcome the convergence with open arms.” At press time, federal authorities had surrounded the Sears Centre Arena where Lampert was leading dancing, weeping, euphoric employees in chants read from old company catalogs.