Anne Frank’s diary, Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye, and the Bible are among 40 books that were recently pulled from a Texas school district’s library. The Onion asked Texans how they felt about the book bans, and this is what they said.
Ferris Wilson (Butcher)
“I’m in favor of anything that helps prevent my kids from becoming smarter than me.”
Elaine Dower (Piano Teacher)
“I once read that banning books is like banning joy, which is something else we should be looking into.”
Ayn Rand (Writer)
“Reading the wrong book at a young age can permanently warp a developing mind and make a person annoying for the rest of his life.”
Robert Gutierrez (Machinist)
“Luckily my weird-ass kid only reads James Patterson novels.”
Jesse Plemons (Actor)
“Who cares? Can a book make you think? Can a book move you? Can a book make you feel? Oh fuck, they can? Fuck!”
Adrian Lusk (Sales)
“I’m furious, but that is how I react to pretty much anything.”
Jesse Perez (Foreman)
“I shudder to think, what if one of those books stopped a bullet?”
Darcy Lander (School Librarian)
“Well, fewer titles mean less reshelving.”
Greg Abbott (Governor)
“Anything to distract my constituents from the fact that they haven’t had power in two weeks.”
Karol Cotlab (Security Guard)
“Now we just have to keep the internet a secret.”
Richard Donnell (Accountant)
“I am just so grateful to live in a state that values my child’s education even less than their life.”
Rex Grayson (Bank Teller)
“Books take valuable time away from bullying people who are different.”
Doug Landry (Pipe Fitter)
“Some books don’t even have words they just have bumps. Now I’m not for censorship, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.”
Matthew McConaughey (Actor)
“If kids can’t get ahold of Anne Frank’s diary, then my memoir, Greenlights, is the next best thing.”
Chet Evans (Rancher)
“That’s what happens when authors choose to ignore guidelines of the Texas Cattlemen’s Association.”
Trevor Morrow (Pest Control Specialist)
“We don’t want our kids to be indoctrinated sheep who just get swept up in whatever cultural-grievance frenzy the media is trying to get them outraged about this week.”
Bailey Jenkins (Hairdresser)
“This is a great opportunity to teach our children about the dangers of literacy.”
Melissa Sanchez (HR Manager)
“It’s up to parents to decide whether or not their child should skim through The Bluest Eye and then read the plot summary on Wikipedia.”
Eleanor Quigley (Medical Billing Technician)
“It’s a good start until we can figure out how to ban ideas.”
