Anne Frank’s diary, Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye, and the Bible are among 40 books that were recently pulled from a Texas school district’s library. The Onion asked Texans how they felt about the book bans, and this is what they said.
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Ferris Wilson (Butcher)
“I’m in favor of anything that helps prevent my kids from becoming smarter than me.”
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Elaine Dower (Piano Teacher)
“I once read that banning books is like banning joy, which is something else we should be looking into.”
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Ayn Rand (Writer)
“Reading the wrong book at a young age can permanently warp a developing mind and make a person annoying for the rest of his life.”
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Robert Gutierrez (Machinist)
“Luckily my weird-ass kid only reads James Patterson novels.”
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Jesse Plemons (Actor)
“Who cares? Can a book make you think? Can a book move you? Can a book make you feel? Oh fuck, they can? Fuck!”
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Adrian Lusk (Sales)
“I’m furious, but that is how I react to pretty much anything.”
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Jesse Perez (Foreman)
“I shudder to think, what if one of those books stopped a bullet?”
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Darcy Lander (School Librarian)
“Well, fewer titles mean less reshelving.”
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Greg Abbott (Governor)
“Anything to distract my constituents from the fact that they haven’t had power in two weeks.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/5ff56cfc2f40e066f9a046d27c9a9080.jpg)
Karol Cotlab (Security Guard)
“Now we just have to keep the internet a secret.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/c16c73e631e34019aba9682914102be2.jpg)
Richard Donnell (Accountant)
“I am just so grateful to live in a state that values my child’s education even less than their life.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/bd5a56d27880d030ad5cbfe9ad784554.jpg)
Rex Grayson (Bank Teller)
“Books take valuable time away from bullying people who are different.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/08fe8b888cc805a2f9592c9dc11af83a.jpg)
Doug Landry (Pipe Fitter)
“Some books don’t even have words they just have bumps. Now I’m not for censorship, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/10cb7d9ef8d2ba036e1453fa529e58d1.jpg)
Matthew McConaughey (Actor)
“If kids can’t get ahold of Anne Frank’s diary, then my memoir, Greenlights, is the next best thing.”
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Chet Evans (Rancher)
“That’s what happens when authors choose to ignore guidelines of the Texas Cattlemen’s Association.”
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Trevor Morrow (Pest Control Specialist)
“We don’t want our kids to be indoctrinated sheep who just get swept up in whatever cultural-grievance frenzy the media is trying to get them outraged about this week.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/a7170dff5e0a76f8567487ba1d715ef6.png)
Bailey Jenkins (Hairdresser)
“This is a great opportunity to teach our children about the dangers of literacy.”
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Melissa Sanchez (HR Manager)
“It’s up to parents to decide whether or not their child should skim through The Bluest Eye and then read the plot summary on Wikipedia.”
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Eleanor Quigley (Medical Billing Technician)
“It’s a good start until we can figure out how to ban ideas.”