After taking a hard-line stance on issues like abortion, trans rights, and gun control, Gov. Greg Abbott is up for reelection in Texas. The Onion asked supporters why they are voting for him, and this is what they said.
Byron Cole (Pool Maintenance)
“He obviously hates Texas as much as I do.”
Olivia Duncan (Florist)
“As a small-business owner and a mom, I sometimes need a hundred unregistered semiautomatics without delay.”
Abigail Snyder (Poll Worker)
“Voting for our incumbent saves me from having to educate myself on the other candidates.”
Anthony Marnell (Real Estate Developer)
“I believe everyone deserves a 12th chance.”
Estella Hernandez (Deceased)
“Voter fraud.”
Irwin Richie (Corrections Officer)
“Living conditions inside Texas prisons are abhorrent, and I know he’ll keep it that way.”
Rosario Griffith (Dietitian)
“It’s Texas state law.”
Heidi Paulson (Contractor)
“We both agree that 19 dead kids in Uvalde was a good start but not nearly enough.”
Darren Woods (CEO ExxonMobile)
“I feel like I could have a beer with him.”
Camila Wexler (Personal Assistant)
“I like that he got vaccinated, but still got Covid. It shows that he can compromise on the issues.”
Kathleen Shields (Doctor)
“Beto is just too tall for me and my family.”
Melissa Batz (Artist)
“His support for the a bill outlawing abortion after the baby has a heartbeat inspired me to go around feeling the bellies of pregnant woman for heartbeats and letting them know when they can’t have an abortion anymore.”
Mike Davis (Cattle Rancher)
“He doesn’t let power grid failures and school shootings distract him from tackling real problems like trans girls playing tennis.”
Ned Heller (Mechanical Engineer)
“I’m sick and tired of Austin being weird.”
Oscar Sanchez (Consultant)
“What Beto keeps saying in Spanish is ‘Vote for Greg Abbott.’”
Peggy Wilson (Homemaker)
“I’m really digging this year’s bumper sticker design.”
John Tygiel (Software Engineer)
“What if one day I’m an 18-to-20-year-old who needs an AR-15 in 24 hours with no questions asked, for legitimate reasons?”
Bill Danielson (Trucker)
“He’s the only one I trust to rebuild from the Abbott years.”
Charles Greenfinch (Carpenter)
“His name is first alphabetically.”
John Davey (Energy Consultant)
“I want to die.”
