Under SB8, private citizens in Texas can sue anyone who aids or abets in an abortion after six weeks of pregnancy. The Onion asked Texans why helping someone get an abortion is a crime, and this is what they said.
Cyndi Bartlett, Teacher
“It’s a nifty way to use abortion law to terrorize people who aren’t even pregnant.”
Ken Henderson, Barista
“It’s one of the most immoral reasons to get into the carpool lane.”
Kelly Markdole, Hair Stylist
“That’s second-degree healthcare.”
Ken Beasley, Roofer
“I think leaving the state of Texas for any reason should be punishable by death, abortion included.”
Devin Clifton, Accountant
“Rape and incest victims have had it too easy.”
Gov. Greg Abbott (R-TX)
“It’s not like we can outlaw being a woman. Not immediately, anyway.”
Sandy Wheeler, Attorney
“They’re essentially accessories to a medical procedure.”
Logan Sather, Librarian
“It’s crucial we take a hardline stance and show people that Texas isn’t a state where you can just get away with empathy.”
Cayleigh Fine, Referee
“It’s the 21st century. Women should be empowered to do their own abortions.”
Kerry Rizzuto, Secretary
“That entirely depends on the tax bracket of the person involved.”
Richard Rummell, Sign Painter
“Anyone doing that is probably a woman-sympathizer, if not an outright woman themselves.”
Terry Marshburn, Retired
“It’s morally wrong to receive help for anything.”
Hannah Gallagher, Bank Teller
“Driving someone to the airport should be illegal in all circumstances, but I’ll settle for just this one.”
Tom Vanderbilt, Attorney
“Helping someone get an abortion destroys our ability to one day imprison them and profit off their arrest.”
Stacey Lynn, Homemaker
“Other women should be punished for not making the exact same choices that I constantly regret.”
Dan Carpenter, Health Inspector
“Assisting a woman to improve her life has actually been banned in Texas since 1891.”
Ted Lohman, Border Patrol
“I’ve never needed help killing anything.”
