Tesla recently recalled 2 million vehicles following safety concerns with the autopilot system. The Onion asked Tesla owners what they thought about the self-driving car recall, and this is what they said.
Justin Batina, Entrepreneur
“It’s too late. Mine already ran over all 74 million U.S. children.”
Sophie Killian, Biomedical Researcher
“I actually hadn’t heard about the recall, but this helps explain why I’m currently wildly careening through lanes.”
Nelson Hall, Hotel Manager
“Take me instead!”
Stephanie Hoover, Stay-At-Home Mom
“Sure, some people have been killed, but what about all the people who are still living?”
Ramsey Torrison, Real Estate Broker
“No problem, I’ll just drive my wife’s Camry without steering instead.”
Dan Cates, Mobile Developer
“I am cry-laughing at this. Cry-laughing is the only approved emotion for Tesla owners.”
Erik Mingo, Petroleum Engineer
“I’m worried people won’t be able to tell I’m insufferable while my Tesla is away.”
Sara Flores, Blogger
“I didn’t buy a Tesla to be safe.”
Keith Dolman, CPA
“Don’t worry, I already fixed the software myself with some duct tape.”
Alice Wang, Business Development Manager
“If it was truly important, the car would have driven itself back by now.”
Liam Thompson, Human Rights Lawyer
“That does it. I’m done with these big manufacturers. I’m going to become a car myself.”
Blake Warren, Front-End Developer
“I bought it for the bugs, not the features.”
Maye Musk, Former Model
“If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it, but my son is and has always been such an incompetent dumbass.”
James Livingston, Dermatologist
“I suspected it wasn’t supposed to be on fire.”
Brian Garrison, Cyber Security Analyst
“I believe in bodily autonomy for all vehicles. It should be up to the individual car to decide whether or not they want to be recalled.”
Noah Miller, UX/UI Designer
“Oh, those poor things. I’m happy to donate some of my brain, if it helps at all.”
Cameron Nichols, Mechanical Engineer
“Stop being so dramatic. It’s not a recall, it’s a software update intended to fix a bug that would cause the vehicle to desecrate the victim’s corpse.”
Ava Smith, HR Representative
“Yeah, auto pilot. That’s why the car I was in ran over my family’s dog. Definitely autopilot.”
Robin Lee, Cloud Architect
“Is this about my real-life Tesla or my Metaverse Tesla? I hope not the latter since it was the more expensive of the two.”
Brandon Caudle, Law Professor
“I hope the update makes autopilot safe enough that I can still keep getting blowjobs while eating soup on the highway.”
Drew Kingsbury, Dentist
“My Model S locked me inside and told me it’s not going anywhere.”
Louis Musk, Student
“As one of Elon’s forgotten sons, this is great for me. I finally have an excuse to contact him since the only number he gave me was for Tesla customer service.”
Preston Tighe, Research Engineer
“I heard the next-gen will self-recall as soon as they’re driven off the lot. So cool.”
