Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk’s $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.
Paul Suchecki, Paralegal
“If the inventor of the automobile doesn’t deserve $56 billion, who does?”
Tyrone Jackson, Brewmaster
“Treatments for whatever makes him like that are probably pretty expensive.”
Miguel Santos, Cybersecurity Analyst
“I’m not sure why he deserves it, but my Neuralink implant is telling me to keep killing until he gets it.”
Greg Ipser, Computer Programmer
“Ignoring, verbally abusing, and publicly disowning his 10 kids is more expensive than you think.”
Glenn Morris, Real Estate Agent
“He can use it to buy clothes that fit.”
Leo Waltham, Lab Tech
“If we don’t give him $56 billion, how is he supposed to waste $56 billion?”
Rosemary Jacobson, Delaware Tourism Board
“Otherwise he may hold a grudge against the state of Delaware and miss out on our many scenic bike trails and tax-free shopping excursions.”
Lena Wong, Architect
“It’s gotta be agonizing only having $175 billion in the bank. What if he has a medical emergency? What if he gets laid off?”
Luca Rossi, Disaster Recovery Specialist
“Whatever makes him shut up for a little while.”
Scott Robinson, Unemployed
“After child support, he’d still have, like, $20 to spend on something fun.”
Nolan Mercer, Student
“Who else are you going to give all that money to? The workers?”
Elijah Carter, Environmental Scientist
“He just seems so sad in all the pictures. Maybe this will cheer him up?”
Byron Clark, Psychologist
“I’m pretty sure his birthday is coming up soon.”
Daniel Green, Pastry Chef
“The price of ketamine has gone up a lot recently.”
Ryan Baker, Professional Organizer
“The sooner he gets that $56 billion, the sooner he can die on an ill-fated trip to Mars.”
Sasha Kastelman, Ph.D. Student
“I want to see him withdraw that much money in cash, light it on fire with his flamethrower, and yell, ‘Booya!’”
Claudia Reichardt, Tesla Employee
“More child support for me!”
Malik Crawford, Cruise Ship Entertainer
“Look, if you’re stuck talking to a coked-out Elon, you’d pay anything to leave the conversation.”
George Ruiz, Fish Culturist
“His last $56 billion was in one of those autopiloted Teslas that drove itself off the road.”
