Despite FDA approval and multiple studies proving it provides life-saving immunity, many people across the United States refuse to get the Covid-19 vaccine. Here are the most terrifying excuses anti-vaxxers use to avoid getting immunized.
“I dated Dr. Fauci in college and he was an asshole.
Sure, it’d be nice to stick it to your ex by never getting vaccinated, but he’ll probably be pretty smug if you die too.
“My neighbor got the vaccine, and three days later I killed him.”
Stop conflating causation with correlation!
“I’ve grown up in a country that educated me poorly, where the right-leaning party panders to my worst impulses and the left-leaning one uses esoteric vocabulary and a system of elitism to alienate me and treat me like their inferior, this is my way of exerting just a tiny bit of control over my life.”
God, these people are a bunch of fucking idiots, huh?
“I’ve placed a bomb in a train station that will automatically detonate if I get vaccinated.”
There’s no way they could wire something like this.
“I am afraid the technician administering the shot won’t like me.”
While social anxiety is a real mental illness millions nationwide must struggle with, a competent therapist would encourage their patient to confront their fears and get the shot anyways.
“I don’t want to have anything in common with Bill Pullman.”
Fair.
“I already died of Covid-19 last year.”
Also fair.
“There’s still so much we don’t know about the ocean.”
Anything could be lurking in the dark depths of the sea, but that’s neither here nor there.
“The shot will affect my menstrual cycle.”
The vaccine has absolutely no effect on menstruation, which is controlled entirely by the moon.
“I’ll lose half my sight when they puncture my eyeball.”
Misinformation about mRNA is nothing compared to the fear tactics that convince people the vaccine needle goes through their pupil or, alternatively, all the way up their urethra.
“I’m too busy having sex with children to get a shot.”
Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to beat this excuse. If they’re busy, they’re busy.
“It’s against my Sensei’s code.”
Anti-vaxxers love to act like their master is the one holding them back from getting the jab, even though no samurai actually gives a shit whether their apprentice has been inoculated.
“I won’t get into Heaven.”
Maybe, but you will be let into your nearest Six Flags location, and that’s arguably just as good.
“I’ve got a roast in the oven”
Anti-vaxxers will pretend like they have a roast in the oven to avoid getting the shot, a facade that easily crumbles when you press them on how they’re braising it and what sides they’re preparing.
“I already ate lunch.”
A common misconception that the Covid-19 vaccine is hearty and filling, when it would barely constitute an hors d’oeuvre.
“Covid isn’t that bad anyway.”
Since many people have survived the disease, anti-vaxxers argue that Coronavirus is just like a bad cold that millions of drama queens have died from.
“I already got a big lollipop, so I don’t need one.”
Anti-vaxxers will often use an excuse like this while licking an enormous lollipop they got from the local candy store and don’t need a sucker from the doctor. This neglects to take into account that they could bank the wrapped lollipop and continue about their merry way with the current one.
“Bill Gates put microchips in the vaccines.”
In reality, Bill Gates has no interest whatsoever in tracking your whereabouts unless you were one of the people who witnessed him on Jeffrey Epstein’s island.
“Nobody has survived it.”
Anti-vaxxers love tuning out inconvenient information, like the fact that billions of bodies somehow endured the trauma of having a needle stuck in their arm.
“What vaccine?”
Wait. Is there really no vaccine? No, hold on. That’s how they get you.
