Terrified Don Jr. Awakens In Ice-Filled Tub Missing Ear

BUTLER, PA—Groggy and bleary-eyed as he returned to consciousness, a terrified Donald Trump Jr. reportedly awoke in an ice-filled tub Monday to discover he was missing an ear. “Hello? Is anyone here?” said the 46-year-old son of the former president of the United States, stumbling over the side of the tub and opening the bathroom door to find himself alone in a shabby, unfamiliar motel room by the side of a highway. “Oh God, what happened? Why can’t I hear anything on the right side of my head? Whose Big Mac wrapper is this?” At press time, sources confirmed Trump Jr. was trying to get his father on the phone to no avail.