The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.
Hannah Lee
“The cocaine and MDMA were great, but I couldn’t help but feel like Matt was a little immature for me and my 15-year-old friends.”
Ethan Reynolds
“Way more fun than that stick-in-the mud Jim Jordan, I’ll tell you that!”
Tyler Wilson
“Dude was so fucked up, he tried to have have sex with a bean bag chair he thought was a passed-out girl.”
Madison Hart
“He was pretty quick to dump my friend’s body in the woods after she ODed.”
Tyler Hoeber
“He kept complaining that all the chicks were all too old and busted.”
Izzy Smith
“I think he gave the dog chlamydia.”
Jake Santizo
“We asked him to buy us some beer, and he showed up with 12 kilograms of cocaine.”
Samantha Keates
“He threatened to send my entire family to a gay conversion camp if anyone ever found out about this.”
Cara Anderson
“I’m sure in the future it will feel like a painful scar cauterized into my brain that I can never escape. But for now, the cocaine is making it pretty fun.”
Angelina Bowman
“He seemed really freaked out when he found out my parents were upstairs.”
Blake Freemantle
“Matt was badgering me all night about when the JV cheerleading squad was going to show up.”
Isabella Garcia
“It was fun at the time, but I’m a little disappointed after realizing he paid everyone else $1,000.”
Jackson Wright
“Does it count as partying if he just approached me outside of a Hot Topic and then got too shy and ran away in tears?”
Maddy Hernandez
“The guy who took the laced MDMA and tried to cut off his own testicles with a kitchen knife? He was chill.”
Alexa Taylor
“He was a very gracious, caring host, and my only quibble is probably the way he sexually harassed me and all of my underage friends.”
Kelsey Eckert
“I felt pretty bad taking his virginity.”
Bri Hurst
“Came faster than my first middle school boyfriend.”
Lily Adams
“He gave all of us cowboy hats, and then he put on his own cowboy hat, and then he said ‘do I look cool, like a cowboy?’ and we all just avoided eye contact.”
Chloe Kwei
“He asked to see my ID, then lost interest when he saw I was 18.”
Caden Cunningham
“Matt Gaetz is lame as fuck. Now Nestor? That guy’s a party animal.”
Emma Thurston
“He has the torso of a 5 year old, which actually made me feel like I was the groomer.”
Ethan Arzu
“It’s always awkward when your drug dealer wants to hang out.”
Kaylee Fernandez
“We were going to hook up, but I got the ick when he told me he’d never done this before.”
Luna Clark
“I liked his big head, but I didn’t like that he was trying to statutory rape everyone there.”
Riley Lewis
“We had to get a fumigator because he refused to leave my closet.”
