The collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. The Onion asked tech moguls how they felt about the bank’s failure, and this is what they said.
Safra Catz
“Collapse sounds bad, but getting shut down by regulators is simply the final phase of innovation.”
Dara Khosrowshahi,
“And to think they could’ve avoided this all with a more prudent business model centered around making people pay $40 for a soggy sub they’ll get in two hours.”
Steve Ballmer,
“I really feel for the venture capitalists who’ve lost everything except millions in liquid assets stashed elsewhere.”
Sergey Brin,
“Oh no, whatever shall we do with all these lobbyists we have on retainer to pressure the government to bail us out?”
Elon Musk,
“A true leader would’ve made sure it was the No. 1 worst bank failure in history, even worse than the Great Depression.”
Daniel Ek,
“They should consider making interactive charts for every business that banks with them. People will forgive a lot of unethical treatment when you give them interactive charts.”
Sundar Pichai,
“This is the perfect thing to explain why we won’t be giving out the raises and bonuses that we weren’t going to give out anyways.”
Mark Zuckerberg,
“Wow, this seems like a very stressful event for people who have much less money than I do.”
Gregory Becker,
“Fuck, I wish I had shorted SVB shares.”
Peter Thiel,
“If they weren’t so hell-bent on diversity, equity, and inclusion, I wouldn’t have had to orchestrate a bank run.”
Tim Cook,
“We’ve had processes in place for years to make sure events like this only drive our stock price higher.”
Herbert Wilson,
“I keep trying to tell you I’m not a tech mogul. I just own an iPhone.”
Jack Dorsey,
“In the future, when money has become obsolete and sexual gratification is the only remaining form of currency, the only banks we will need are our own turgid, throbbing genitals.”
Andy Jassy,
“I want to reassure investors and consumers that we’re too powerful to fail without taking the entire economy with us.”
Zhang Yiming,
“There’s just something quaint about a good old-fashion bank run.”
Mark Benioff,
“It’s important that we maintain confidence in the central system that we use every day to commit fraud.”
Michael Dell,
“We still exist? Hey, that’s neat.”
