Amid budget cuts, restrictive curricula, and increasing threats to their safety, more and more teachers are opting to switch careers. The Onion asked teachers to explain why they are quitting their jobs, and this is what they said.
Peter Cohen (6th Grade, Science)
“Oh, I’m not quitting. I’m just running away from a shooter.”
Jacqueline Chambert (School Librarian)
“Everything but a 1997 Yellow Pages has been banned or taken away.”
Marshall Craig (7th Grade, Math)
“Turns out in real life when you pose as a math teacher to covertly train students for the local battle of the bands, you actually get in a shit ton of trouble.”
Jeremiah Connell (9th Grade, Biology)
“The new district curriculum won’t even let me talk about how I created the universe.”
Derrick Lacey (10th Grade, Health)
“A Navy recruiter mistook me for a senior and offered me a pretty great package.”
Ralph Kuechly (4th Grade, Math)
“There are at least five Twitch streamers in my class who make more than me.”
Picklesby Boner Lord (7th Grade, English)
“For some reason, I was never able to earn the children’s respect.”
Peter Barnes (11th Grade, English)
“Listen, I’m a Teach for America teacher. I was always going to quit.”
Wes Cagnetto (11th Grade, Chemistry)
“Even the low, low pay wasn’t enough to compensate for the threats to my safety.”
Bryan Luck (12th Grade, English)
“I’m just ready to take my chances on getting gunned down in the private sector.”
Jesse Wilson (11th Grade, Math)
“The math was getting to be a little too hard for me.”
Francesca Spaulding (5th Grade, Humanities)
“Three strikes law.”
Karen Willis (3rd Grade, Music)
“Students don’t bring you apples nearly as often as mainstream media would have you believe.”
William Franks (5th Grade, English)
“I get paid way too much money, and I’m starting to feel guilty about it.”
Erin Skye (9th Grade, Geometry)
“I just don’t know if lines and shapes are my real passion.”
Terri Reynolds (4th Grade, Physical Education)
“Once you experience one school shooting, the next ones start to get stale.”
Greg Malin (12th Grade, Biology)
“I cut a frog open, and it was disgusting. Not doing that shit again.”
Irene Ressler (Kindergarten)
“Five-year-olds have no mercy, no capacity for morality. Each day I spend with them, I find myself slipping further from my own humanity.”
Kara Overlien (5th Grade)
“The tantrums, the bad behavior, the lame excuses… I just can’t deal with the parents anymore.”
David Gonzalez (10th Grade, Geometry)
“I’m switching to a career in healthcare so I can experience the same amount of abuse for slightly higher pay.”
Muneeb Syed (11th Grade, English)
“I tried to stand on the desk, like in Dead Poet Society, but I fell and broke my neck.”
Victor Grayson (9th Grade, Physical Education)
“It’s not that I don’t like kids. It’s more that I’ve grown to hate them.”
Ali Elsabbal (5th Grade, Art)
“I thought I’d be working with animals, but then I realized that was a veterinarian’s job.”
Marco Wagner (Kindergarten)
“Being a human footstool for a billionaire is going to be far less degrading.”
Fiona Lenore (8th Grade, History)
“I’ve finally worked up the nerve to pursue my true passion of waiting tables.”
Erica Ramos (2nd Grade, Social Studies)
“My second job offered me a living wage if I came on full-time.”
Jon Zavala (7th Grade, Biology)
“I got offered a position doing literally anything else.”
