BURLINGTON, VT—After 10 years of marriage, Harold and Sue Robertson of Burlington agreed that their sex life could use a jump-start. Their lovemaking an increasingly joyless, mechanical exercise, the sexually frustrated couple decided to enroll in a Tantric-sex class.
It was one of the best decisions they ever made.
“Tantric sex has done wonders for us,” Harold said. “Before taking this class, the sex we were having only hinted at the vast universe of non-gratification we’re now discovering.”
Through the study of Tantra, an erotic tradition of ancient India, the Robertsons have opened up vast new horizons of unfulfillment in their love life, reaching mystical states of dissatisfaction that, previously, they did not even know existed.
The Robertsons’ first Tantric lesson involved viewing one’s sexual partner as a manifestation of the eternal couple, Shiva and Shakti. By comparing their own below-average looks to those of the divine Hindu love gods, the couple was able to achieve stunning new lows in self-esteem and body confidence.
“Harold’s undersized and frequently flaccid Lingam (penis) is a mere shadow of Shiva’s grand, glowing, ever-erect love-scepter,” said the instructor of the class, Yogini Rajalakshmi Mitra. “Compared to the virile and potent Shiva, Harold is barely a man. He, like Sue, has only begun to tap into his vast potential for insecurity about his physical appearance.”
The multitude of Tantric sexual positions, many of them requiring muscular strength and flexibility, have also inspired mind-blowing sensations of inadequacy in the couple. After several lessons from Yogini Mitra on how to perform the Spinning Top position—in which the woman sits on top of the man and whirls her body around like a wheel on the axis of his Lingam—Sue was unable to clench her Yoni (vagina) tightly enough around Harold’s Lingam and fell off, sending her on a mystical journey of deep frustration and self-doubt.
“I thought I was feeling no pleasure before,” Sue said, “but I’m now soaring to heights of non-enjoyment I never dreamed possible.”
“Susan’s psycho-magnetic Yoni waves are barely perceptible,” Yogini Mitra said. “By diving into 2,000 years of Indian eroticism, she has enabled her sexual potency to decrease tenfold.”
Perhaps the most unfulfilling aspect of Tantric sex for the Robertsons is the concept of Kundalini energy, depicted as an inner fire or snake rising from the sexual organs. By failing to awaken this energy and channel it up their spines, unable to transform it as it rises through the body’s chakras en route to a non-explosion in the 32-petaled lotus chakra at the top of the head, the Robertsons achieved a state of ineffable discontentment and complete twoness with the universe.
“Harold and Sue have been wholly unable to raise their Kundalini past their sexual organs,” Mitra said. “This, combined with Harold’s weak genital muscles that are unable to prolong ejaculation, have resulted in 15-minute marathons of brain-meltingly dissatisfying sex.”
“This course has been so eye-opening for me,” Sue said. “Our sex life was bad before, but only now do I realize just how much worse it can be.”
