Vol 56: Issue 44

News, News In Brief

InfoWars Offers Readers Guide To Staying Psychotic, Violent During Stressful Election Day
News, News In Photos

Nation’s Poll Workers Whip Teams Of Oxen Pulling Wooden Gears To Process Ballots
American Voices, Opinion

‘Baby Shark’ Becomes Most-Viewed Youtube Video Of All Time
Local

Confused Man Obsessively Refreshing Ted Danson’s IMDB Page
Local

‘Not So Fast,’ Says Poll Watcher's Voice Echoing From Inside Ballot Box
News, News In Brief

Report: Nothing Could Go Wrong On A Day As Beautiful As This
American Voices, Opinion

Burger King, Popeyes Introduce ‘Predictive Selling Technology’
American Voices, Opinion

Poland Enters Day 12 Of Nationwide Protests Following Abortion Ruling
Politics

‘I Knew They’d Come Back For Us,’ Say Trump Rally Attendees As Cloaked Figure Beckons Them Toward The Darkness
Politics

‘I Am A Serial Rapist,’ Announces Trump In Final Pitch Before Election
News, News In Brief

Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
Politics

Woman Hopes She Did Enough Worrying To Help Biden Campaign
Local

‘See, I Clean Up Nice,’ Announces Ugly, Dirty Man In Suit
News, News In Photos

Cross Section Of Tree Suggests It May Have Gone Through Psychedelic Period During ’60s
American Voices, Opinion

Leopard Mauls Man Who Paid To Have Pictures Taken

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.