Vol 56: Issue 5

Entertainment

Oscars Replace Orchestral Playouts With Big, Slobbery Saint Bernard To Knock Over Long-Winded Winners
Entertainment

‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech
Entertainment

Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event
American Voices, Opinion

Bumblebee Disappearance Linked To Extreme Heat
Politics

Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle
Local

Parkinson’s Gene Waiting To Switch On Until Everything Finally Falling Into Place For Local Man
Entertainment

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actresses
Politics

Buttigieg Touts Progress Connecting With Black Fortune 500 Executives
American Voices, Opinion

Bernie Madoff Asks For Prison Release
Entertainment, Magazine

Riding Dogs: Is It Really As Bad As We’ve Been Led To Believe?
Entertainment

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actors
Entertainment

Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island
News, News In Photos

Coronavirus Fears Prompt 200-Foot Surgical Mask To Be Mounted Over Docking Cruise Ship
Entertainment

Marie Kondo Folds Self Neatly Into Tiny Box After Long Day Of Work
News, News In Brief

EPA Thugs Violently Beat Endangered Toad Who Hasn’t Paid Protection Money
OGN

Deal Alert: The Guards Protecting The Duke’s Prized Copy Of ‘Diddy Kong Racing’ Will Be Briefly Distracted During The Fireworks Display At His Upcoming Grand Ball
Politics

‘He’s Got The Mulan Virus!’ Yells Don Jr. Attempting To Quarantine Eric By Duct Taping Garbage Bag Over Head

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.