Vol 56: Issue 1

News, News In Brief

U.S. Plagued By Widespread Website Crashes After Mouse Gets Into Internet
Entertainment, Magazine

‘How Does This Look?’ We Explore The Newest Winter Styles With This Cardboard Cutout Of Jon Hamm
News, News In Brief

Emergency Last Responders Loiter Around Scene Pretending To Aid Victims After Most Of The Work Already Done
News, News In Brief

Excited Park Rangers Announce Lincoln Memorial Actually A Girl After Statue Gives Birth To Litter Of Tiny Marble Abraham Lincolns
News, News In Photos

Archaeologists Discover Cave With Earliest Known Built-In Shelves
Local

Man Validated After Discovering Popular Kid From High School Ended Up Bottoming Out Almost As Much As He Did
Local

Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die
Local

Dentist Feels Blessed That He Still Gets Turned On By Teeth After All These Years
News, News In Brief

Dumb Tourists In Paris Gawking At Splendor Of Greatest Architectural Feats In Human History
Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 7, 2020
News, News In Brief

Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism
Local

Truffle Oil Embarrassed To Be Working With Low-Class Ingredients On Loaded Fries
News, News In Brief

Cat Treat Package Going On About Delicious, Creamy Center Too Much Not To Be Marketing To Humans
Local

Ravages Of Age Claim Formerly Perky Beer Gut
News, News In Brief

Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun
News, News In Brief

Report: Everything Slightly Worse Than Yesterday

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