Vol 54: Issue 25

Local

Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out
Local

Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day
News, News In Brief

Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe
News, News In Brief

25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time
News, News In Photos

Saudi Arabia Officially Lifts Ban On Female Monster Truck Rallies
News, News In Photos

Onion Social CEO Vaporized By Wall Of Light While Trying To Stop Algorithm From Self-Destructing
News, News In Photos

Charles Krauthammer Has Ashes Spread Over Prosperous, Liberated Iraq
News, News In Photos

‘Humanity Deserves To Live In Darkness,’ Onion Social Algorithm Cries Out Before Bursting Into Bright Light, Disappearing From Earthly Realm
Politics

Exasperated Huckabee Sanders Reminds Press Corps That Children Under 14 Can’t Feel Pain
News, News In Brief

Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris
American Voices, Opinion

Most Americans Side With Onion Social Over Own Family, Friends
News, News In Brief

France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally
News, News In Brief

Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Massive Show Of Support For Company
News, News In Brief

Onion Social CEO Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure
News, News In Brief

Report: Your Father Currently Typing ‘Naked Women’ Into Yahoo Images Search Bar
American Voices, Opinion

Onion Social Users Applaud Bravery Of CEO Persevering Against Falsehood, Libel
News, News In Brief

Report: Make It Stop

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