Vol 47: Issue 33

Entertainment

Area Man Guesses He Doesn't Need MC Lyte Wikipedia Page Open Anymore
Local

Everything In Power Done To Appear Interesting To Attractive Woman On Subway
Local

Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship
Reader Comprehension Quiz – Week Of August, 15 2011
Entertainment, Time Killers

Why Are We Holding A Microphone?
Local

Freshman Asks New Roommate Not To Hide Masturbation From Him
Local

Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen
Why Would You Prefer To Be An Animatronic Bear?
Local

Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus
Local

State Fair Season
American Voices, Opinion

1 In 3 Twentysomethings Have Faked Calls
Dispatch, News

Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear
Politics

U.N. Factoid Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size Of Tennessee
American Voices, Opinion

FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown
Politics

Pawlenty Supporters Can Only Dream What It Would Have Been Like If Candidate Dropped Out 2 Months Later
News, News In Brief

Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago
Sports

49ers Front Office Excited For Meeting With Football Player

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.