Vol 42: Issue 47

American Voices, Opinion

Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing
Entertainment

Bully Sidekick Gets Spin-Off Beating Deal
Entertainment

The Police Blotter
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

No One Stabbed Or Anything At Off-Campus Party
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Visiting Liberian Dignitary In No Hurry To Leave
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Man Surprised To Hear Himself Tell Matt Damon He's A 'Big Fan'
Local

"I Went From Being Attacked By Mountain Lions To Being Eaten By Mountain Lions To Being Digested And Excreted By Mountain Lions"
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Barack Obama Has Glimmer Of Hope Surgically Grafted To Left Eye
American Voices, Opinion

Robert Altman Dead
American Voices, Opinion

Americans Give Thanks
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Paranoid Optimist Thinks Everyone Is Out To Get Him A Present
Sports

Ohio State Defeats Michigan 42-39 In Ultimately Meaningless Game
Sports

Colts Claim To Still Be Undefeated: 'We Beat Ourselves'
Sports

Alfonso Soriano: 'I Am Excited To Play For $136 Million'
Sports

Jimmie Johnson Forgives Lug Nut That Almost Cost Him Nextel Cup
Sports

Eagles Fans Fully Expect Donovan McNabb To Play With Torn ACL
Sports

Doctors Use Elephant Gun, Tranquilizer Darts To Bring Shaq Down Prior To Surgery

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.