Vol 42: Issue 34

American Voices, Opinion

Survivor To Be Segregated
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Aliens Call Off Mission To Communicate With Humans Through Urine-Soaked Homeless Man
American Voices, Opinion

Camaro Coming Back
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Consumer Reports Magazine Rates Itself Out Of Business
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

National Science Foundation: Science Hard
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him
Sports

Man Hit With Baseball Bat Needs A Minute
American Voices, Opinion

Human Evolution Gene Discovered
Entertainment, Magazine

20 Students: Who Are Changing The World And What the FBI Has On Them
Entertainment

New 'Baby Weinstein' Tapes Prepare Infants For Career In Entertainment Law
Sports

Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch
Sports

Mets Acquire Guillermo Mota From Indians In Daring Midnight Raid
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Coffee-Shop Patron Really Likes Your Earrings
Sports

Ken Griffey Jr. Diagnosed With Hamstring Cancer
American Voices, Opinion

Missile Numbers Reclassified
Sports

New Yankee Stadium Features
Sports

Tiger Woods Credits Win To Equipment

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.

Vol 42: Issue 34

Survivor To Be Segregated

Aliens Call Off Mission To Communicate With Humans Through Urine-Soaked Homeless Man

Camaro Coming Back

Consumer Reports Magazine Rates Itself Out Of Business

National Science Foundation: Science Hard

Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him

Man Hit With Baseball Bat Needs A Minute

Human Evolution Gene Discovered

20 Students: Who Are Changing The World And What the FBI Has On Them

New 'Baby Weinstein' Tapes Prepare Infants For Career In Entertainment Law

Fake Outrage Over Steroid Use Reaches Fake Fever Pitch

Mets Acquire Guillermo Mota From Indians In Daring Midnight Raid

Coffee-Shop Patron Really Likes Your Earrings

Ken Griffey Jr. Diagnosed With Hamstring Cancer

Missile Numbers Reclassified

New Yankee Stadium Features

Tiger Woods Credits Win To Equipment

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Sections

Explore