Vol 35: Issue 3

Local

The Hendersons' Towels, Frankly, Are Not That Impressive
Dispatch, News

Violence: Is It The Answer?
Dispatch, News

Teenage Boys Helpfully Point Out Fat Girl's Shortcomings
News, News In Brief

Waitress Creeped Out By Overtipper
News, News In Brief

Laughter Now Exclusively Used To Mask Feelings
Sports

Junior-High-School Badminton Unit Inspires 948 'Shuttlecock' Jokes
American Voices, Opinion

Pre-Millennium Tension
Entertainment, Time Killers

Super Bowl Ad Spending
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999
News, News In Photos

Nutter Butters 'Ruined Forever' For Nutter Butter Factory Worker
Entertainment

The New Playstation
News, News In Photos

Politicians Ignoring The Dangers Of Jowl Implants
Commentary, Opinion

Hold Me
Entertainment

New Sony In-Utero TV To Entertain Children In The Womb
Commentary, Opinion

I've Had Just About Enough Of That Ron
Dispatch, News

Man Required To Wear Tie Decides It Might As Well Be Wacky
News, News In Brief

Aztec Extremists Cut Out Visiting Pope's Heart

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.