If you live in America, chances are that you either know someone who has experienced a mass shooting or have experienced one yourself. The Onion asked survivors what it’s like to endure a mass shooting, and this is what they said.
James Patel, Engineer
“Well, I sure as fuck saw what all the fuss was about AR-15s.”
Regina Franklin, Executive Assistant
“It makes you really appreciate how free we are as a country when you’re hiding under a desk with bullets flying over your head.”
Javier Cruz, Police Officer
“Those 15 minutes standing a safe distance away from the school while the suspect finished shooting were the most harrowing of my life.”
Mark Jones, Crisis Actor
“As far as being a paid crisis actor, it’s a pretty stable gig.”
Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA)
“There’s nothing like a brush with death to remind you that all your previously held beliefs are correct and should not be questioned.”
Bill Werner, Counselor
“It’s easy to feel like you’re alone, but thankfully our lawmakers are working hard to ensure that our community of survivors grows bigger every year!”
Tiffany Lo, Web Designer
“I saw two children’s skulls blown open by AR-15 rounds right in front of me, so overall, I’d say it was bad.”
Kareem Jacobs, Department Store Greeter
“My boss let me use one of my three unpaid sick days to get sewed up.”
Heather Rolfe, Process Engineer
“As I was leaving the hospital, Mitch McConnell pretended to bump into me and whispered into my ear, ‘I’ll get you eventually.’”
Lillian Reed, Fast Food Cook
“Everyone is really understanding for 48 hours, and then your boss will threaten to fire you if you take another day off.”
Sara Patel, Seventh-Grade Student
“The flashbacks break up the monotony of the school day.”
Heather Kline, Homemaker
“Only two of my three kids came home from school, but Texas has no property taxes, so it’s a wash.”
Katherine Chan, Librarian
“I was proud to be experiencing the free exercise of American constitutional rights.”
Greg Simmons, Mechanic
“I’m just glad I could help someone feel so powerful.”
James Driscoll, Theater Usher
“Thanks to Ted Cruz’s thoughts and prayers, my PTSD was healed, and I didn’t need therapy one bit.”
Marcie Brewer, Web Developer
“I don’t know what you might’ve heard, but it really sucks.”
Roberto DeSilva, Attorney
“Just wait a few months, and you’ll probably find out for yourself.”
