Jan. 28 is Super Sunday, a day for friends, food, and football. Here are some tips to help you score a “touchdown” with your Super Bowl party:
Set aside a special area of the living-room floor to throw chicken bones.
A complete and reverent silence should be maintained whenever Armen Keteyian speaks.
Before guests arrive, be sure to hide any copies of Harper’s Weekly, The Atlantic Monthly, and The New Yorker you may have lying around.
Pre-soak all Doritos in Pabst Blue Ribbon.
During commercial breaks, make non-stop sarcastic comments about the stupidity of Super Bowl ads. Rest assured, you’ll be the first person in history to do so.
If you do not know how to watch football on TV, ask an experienced friend to help you through the hard parts.
The Super Bowl is the premier event of the entire sports year. Be sure to use the good chip bowl and your finest inflatable furniture.
Provide “dip,” into which chips can be dipped.
If rooting for the Giants, openly question Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis’ role in the stabbing deaths of two men outside an Atlanta nightclub following last year’s Super Bowl.
Do not wear a jersey featuring the name and number of an actual NFL player. Confused guests will wonder why a famous athlete is at the party, especially if that athlete is supposed to be playing in the Super Bowl.
Urinate in each corner of room to mark your territory prior to the arrival of other males.
At the end of the second quarter, switch over to the Lifetime Network for the Judith Light Halftime Spectacular.
Select the cars you’re going to overturn beforehand, because you’re going to be really drunk afterwards.
Leave nosehairs untrimmed for a minimum of three weeks before game.
