When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it’s important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:
Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass
Always sit at least 100 yards from sun
When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots
UV rays can damage the corneas; don’t forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes
Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water
Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius
When tanning, always alternate who’s on top
Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people
Before going outside, check sun’s strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour
Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them
For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good
Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town
Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin
Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus
Coat body in “seagull-nip”; wait for protective coat of seagulls to cover body
