Subway CEO Apologizes For Trusting Fish Who Falsified Documents To Pass As Tuna

MILFORD, CT—Addressing recent questions about the integrity of ingredients in one of the chain’s most popular sandwiches, Subway CEO John Chidsey issued a formal apology Thursday for trusting a fish who allegedly submitted false documents to the restaurant in order to pass as a tuna. “Subway has always prided itself on thoroughly vetting anyone who will represent our brand, but we failed you this time, placing our trust in what turned out to be a common carp,” said Chidsey, adding that while the fish in question went through several rounds of vigorous interviews before it was brought onto the team, its fraudulent credentials claiming membership in the Thunnus albacares species were never questioned. “Though we, too, are victims in this situation, ultimately the onus was on us to more closely examine this candidate’s purported background as a yellowfin tuna. In our defense, the paperwork was all there, we simply failed to do our due diligence and check this fish’s references. Perhaps if we had, we would not have been taken in by this duplicitous carp. We just got mixed up with the wrong fish, that’s all.” Chidsey went on to address allegations regarding the role the carp played in his personal life, acknowledging the two had carried on a consensual, extramarital affair during the fish’s brief tenure at the company.