Study: Majority Of U.S. Population One Disappointing Sandwich Away From Complete Mental Breakdown

NEW HAVEN, CT—Noting that the nation’s mental health crisis had left Americans more vulnerable than ever to profound bouts of anxiety and depression, a study published Tuesday found that a majority of the population was one disappointing sandwich away from a complete breakdown. “Our findings indicate that 61% of Americans are a single dry turkey club or underwhelming Reuben away from total emotional collapse,” said the study’s lead author, Yale University psychologist Diane Lillis, who cited a case in which an adult male with no history of mental illness was found crying and shaking in a fetal position after a chicken parm hero he had looked forward to all morning was served without enough marinara. “These were not simply cases in which someone received a bad sandwich, or in which a sandwich order arrived with the wrong condiments. These were instances in which an individual’s emotional investment in a sandwich was such that they were totally overwhelmed with despair when, for example, inadequately toasted bread or an excess of dressing gave their sandwich a less-than-satisfying texture. We even documented several cases in which the trauma of a meatball falling out of a sub and onto the ground required subjects to be hospitalized.” While the study recommended Americans reduce the psychological demands they place on sandwiches, it also suggested most mental illness could be successfully treated by administering a single, perfectly constructed BLT to the patient.