Study: Majority Of Red States Not Walkable Enough To Accommodate Riots In The Streets

WASHINGTON—Citing various pedestrian hurdles including a lack of centralized roads, downtown areas, and public transit, a new study published Tuesday found that the majority of red states were not walkable enough to accommodate riots in the streets. “Currently, due to massive urban sprawl and crumbling infrastructure, residents in Republican strongholds have repeatedly reported that they cannot effectively incite violent, uncontrollable riots,” said study author Dr. Debra Jackson, who added that major metro areas across Texas, Florida, South Carolina, Arkansas, and Indiana were simply too spread out for the average American to ransack, destroy, or set fire to property. “Not only do these areas lack walkable plazas, shopping centers, and downtown districts to throw rocks through, douse in gasoline, and burn to the ground, but there are also fewer resources to incite violence. How are residents supposed to break into their state’s capitol and kidnap their governor if they have to drive 40 minutes just to buy flags, balaclavas, torches, and rope? Plus, if they did, zero pedestrians would even be there to see it.” Dr. Jackson added that until red states could improve walkability, residents would have no choice but to keep traveling to blue states to ram their trucks into large crowds of people.