Study Finds Over Half Of Blind Americans With Walking Sticks Covert Assassins

LOS ANGELES—A study released Monday by researchers at the UCLA Center for Disability Resources found that over half of all blind Americans with walking sticks were covert assassins waiting for the perfect moment to strike. “Our research suggests that the majority of blind Americans with walking sticks—whether tapping their way along a forest path or drinking at a tavern, seemingly oblivious to the pack of thugs mocking their infirmity—are in fact lethal killing machines just moments away from drawing their katana and leaving behind a bloodbath,” said study co-author Dr. Sarah Wrightwood, adding that over 53% of the blind individuals going about their day on buses and trains with a patient smile were in fact merely tracking their target, using their formidable training in the arts of sightless killing to get their prey alone so they could use the poisoned blade concealed in their staff without disturbance. “What’s cunning is how these Americans use their lack of visual acuity as an advantage in these missions, often swiftly cutting the wick of a candle to plunge their once-haughty target into complete darkness. Ironically, the very moment the blade slits the terrified victim’s neck is often when these dying men or women discover that blindness is no handicap, but rather in many ways a superpower.” The study also confirmed that the remaining 47% of blind Americans were crime-fighting vigilantes.