Study Finds Only 2% Of Americans Can Draw Cool Flames

PITTSBURGH—Fears that the U.S. education system was growing increasingly lame were confirmed Thursday when an alarming study by researchers at Carnegie Mellon University found that only 2% of the nation’s population can draw cool flames. “Among our frankly disturbing findings was that 98 in 100 Americans have absolutely no capacity to sketch flames that could remotely be described as badass, much less totally bitchin’,” said study co-author Keela Douglas, adding that the data further revealed that less than half of Americans who can draw cool flames are able to actually incorporate those flames into something that looks fucking sick, like a skull, sports car, or bald eagle. “While we concluded that around 15% of Americans can draw flames, the vast majority of those are flames that look realistic but aren’t cool as hell at all. In at least 30% of ostensible flame drawings, our study found that they look more like shitty-ass Christmas trees. It’s a sad state of affairs for America, a country where as recently as 1970 over 80% of U.S. residents could draw flames with some degree of coolness.” The study comes on the heels of related research at the University of Texas at Austin that found that over 85% of Americans can only carve lame shit into their desks like emo lyrics or a heart.