Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers

CHICAGO—A study published this week in the journal Pediatrics found that, within seconds of their birth, babies have the ability to sense whether their parents are losers. “From the moment they open their eyes, newborns can tell if their mother had no other options and was forced to settle for their father, or if their father is a sad sack who has no friends and gets drunk on a single glass of chardonnay,” said researcher Dr. Stuart Lindstrom, explaining that despite their blurry vision, infants can still identify basic loser body types, and have specialized olfactory receptors allowing them to detect the odor of failure. “In fact, we’ve determined that as early as the second trimester, a fetus picks up on the income and social standing of its mother via the umbilical cord.” The study also concluded that the screams of newborns stem from the sudden realization they will be stuck with their loser parents for at least 18 years.