Study: Christmas Still Most Unoriginal Day To Commit Suicide

NEW YORK—Describing the choice of the holiday as a trite and uninspired decision, researchers at Columbia University released a study Monday reiterating that Christmas is still the most unoriginal day to commit suicide. “Simply put, choosing to off yourself on Christmas Day continues to represent a massive failure of imagination in 2020, as it has for decades now,” said lead researcher Colin Bostworth, who added that concluding life was no longer worth living was no excuse for leaving friends and coworker with such a “dull and, frankly, cliché” final memory of their beloved. “Christmas just lacks a certain surprising zest, unlike, say, doing it on St. Patrick’s Day or Mardi Gras. We found that most family members will simply roll their eyes, sigh in exasperation, and say ‘Seriously? Christmas?’ in response to such an insipid method of death. For Christ’s sake, it happens in It’s A Wonderful Life. What are you going to do? Throw yourself off a bridge, too? Get some new ideas, folks.” The researchers stressed that Valentine’s Day, however, remained by far the most romantic moment for a murder-suicide.