Study: Best Method Of Surviving Layoffs Remains Playing Dead As HR Rounds Corner

SAN DIEGO—In an evaluation of tactics American workers use to hold on to their jobs, a study published Tuesday by researchers at San Diego State University found that the most effective method of surviving layoffs remains playing dead the moment one spots a human resources manager rounding a corner in the office. “According to our findings, lying on the ground and making as little noise as possible is still the best practice if one wishes to avoid becoming a victim of corporate cost-cutting,” said head researcher Stephen Harnett, who also recommended evading HR by running outside and climbing up the nearest tree, or banging around coffee mugs and office supplies to instill fear in a manager tasked with downsizing. “However, if this approach fails and the human resources representative continues to follow you, it can be helpful to make yourself appear larger, wave your arms around, and yell, ‘Hey, HR! Get out of here! Go!’ This will usually scare them off, though they are likely to return with additional management personnel, as well as building security.” The study went on to stress that such tactics should only be used in conjunction with a powerful capsaicin-based HR-deterrent spray, which should be carried by workers at all times to subdue aggressive managers.