NEW YORK—Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest fucking published material anyone could ever read or watch.
“I love, love, fucking love sponsored content,” said news and entertainment reader Erica Olson, adding that when she can tell a corporation is financially behind a piece of writing, she is even more inclined to click on it. “First off, it’s cool. That’s not debatable. Second, I don’t find it in any way insulting to my intelligence. In fact, it makes me feel smarter. And third, did I mention that sponsored content is just really fucking cool?”
“Oh, awesome, a sponsored post by a snack food company on my favorite media website,” Olson added, later saying that these days she basically only reads articles that have a “Sponsored By” heading. “Not only am I excited to read it, but it makes me think that—because the editorial content on my website of choice appeals to me—I would probably really enjoy the brand trying to associate itself with it. I mean, they’re working together, after all!”
Sources confirmed that while a majority of Americans can’t get enough sponsored posts, an even greater number “really fucking love and appreciate” when content written for advertisers is seamlessly woven into a publication’s regular material, thereby leaving readers confused as to whether or not they are reading an advertisement or original writing from the publication’s creative staff.
Furthermore, Americans praised media companies for working so closely with advertisers for coming up with “really awesome and creative” strategies designed to trick them into consuming articles and videos endorsed by faceless corporate conglomerates.
“I would say that I’m happiest when I’m being taken advantage of and duped into reading what is essentially a company’s propaganda disguised as actual editorial content,” said Colorado resident Colin Portman, adding that he wanted to personally thank media publications for regularly including sponsored content in their production schedules. “See, when I’m reading an article and then I have to take a step back and say, ‘Wait a minute, the font, writing style, and overall tone is like the website I typically enjoy, but this is actually an advertisement for a car company,’ I smile and just keep on reading. It’s like a treat.”
“It’s at those moments when I trust my favorite publication even more, and in no way harbor any resentment toward them for taking advantage of my loyalty,” Portman added. “I also like the product being advertised because they didn’t completely ruin a deeply personal reading experience I once cherished.”
According to a recent CBS/New York Times poll, 82 percent of respondents said sponsored content is the absolute fucking best, 64 percent said editorial integrity is overrated anyway, and nearly 100 percent said that articles that have a clear line of distinction between editorial and business needs “suck shit.”
An overwhelming amount of respondents said they hope websites, newspapers, and magazines begin producing nothing but sponsored material so that media consumers can just sit back and read and watch advertisements all day long.
“You see, the reason these types of posts are so fucking incredible and great is because the people coming up with the ideas—people in the advertising and business world—are so smart and very, very cool. They really know what people like. They’re experts, really. Geniuses,” media critic Jeff Cohen told reporters. “From the person on the media company’s sales team who is looking for a quick buck, to the corporation’s executives who could give a flying fuck about destroying everything a brand stands for, everyone is so committed to producing what, I think we can all agree, is groundbreaking and artistically inspired content.”
In addition to saying that corporate-sponsored material is essentially what modern-day journalism should be, Americans mentioned how much they were enjoying the latest season of the ABC series Scandal and how they only go to Target for all their home-shopping needs. Furthermore, sources confirmed that because people who enjoy sponsored content are obviously the hippest people around, they must also use Axe, which is by far the hippest brand of male grooming products on the market today.
At press time, buy Doritos.
