ITHACA, NY—Describing it as one of the most groundbreaking achievements in their field, snack scientists at Cornell University announced Tuesday they had developed the never-before-possible capacity to stuff cheese inside itself. “While past advancements in snacking brought us as far as stuffing cheese between crackers, inside cylinders of pretzel, and into a continuous ring within pizza crusts, our latest breakthrough has unleashed the full potential of cheese as both a stuffing agent and a stuffing vessel simultaneously,” said head snack scientist Laurel Masterson, who led the research team as they methodically tested cheddar, American, Colby jack, pepper jack, and nacho varieties for their stability, viscosity, and volatility when injected with or otherwise encased by one another. “Not only do these findings redefine the very boundaries of what salty and savory treats are possible and usher in a bright future of previously unfathomable cheesy snacks, but now that we’ve stuffed cheese inside itself, we’ve opened up one of the most perplexing mysteries in the realm of theoretical snacking science: How many successive cheeses could conceivably be concentrically stuffed one into the next? Is there a finite limit, or could we keep stuffing cheese within cheese within cheese ad infinitum until we develop a treat of boundless snackability?” Masterson added that until controlled clinical tests could be conducted on the most hardened and experienced snackers, the results were not considered fit for human consumption.
Don’t leave the laboratory without your Cheetos snacks.
