Remember, the entire institution of marriage was designed for financial gain. Here are several signs your spouse might be using you for money.
They Accidentally Refer To You As ‘Wallet’
Whether it’s during sex or just over breakfast, a greedy spouse will sometimes let their true intentions slip.
They Send You An Itemized Bill At The End Of The Month
Even more suspicious if they charge more than $100 per hug.
Their Boyfriend Asks For A Loan
Come on, man, you let this go too far.
You Walked In On Them Masturbating To Your Portfolio
That’s pretty damning.
They Refer To Your Relationship As ‘The Long Con’
Unless your spouse is a 1950s mobster, this is unacceptable behavior.
They Stage Robberies At Your Home
Didn’t you ever wonder why the gunman always knows exactly where your valuables are and fistbumps your spouse on the way out?
They Yell ‘I Only Married You For Your Money!’ Before Pushing You Off The Cliff Of Your Seaside Estate, Laughing Maniacally As You Tumble To Your Death
Yeah, that’s a pretty telltale sign.
You Sleep In Separate Mansions
Seems odd that they never invite you over.
You Keep Getting Poisoned On Your Anniversary
Who knew you would have such a high resistance to arsenic?
They Ask They Could Get A Photo Of You Climbing Out Onto The Edge Of A Deadly Waterfall
They probably don’t actually want that photo.
All Of Their Compliments Are Finance-Based
Their favorite thing about you is how many banking apps you have.
They Name Your Kid After Your Routing Number
That’s not a good sign.
They Spent Your Honeymoon Asking To Be Your Sole Beneficiary
Remember when you got presented with will and testament documents in a champagne-filled hot tub?
Your Bathroom Towels Are Monogrammed With ‘A.T.M.’
Those aren’t even your initials.
They Ask How Much Money You Make
Just watch their eyes light up with lust when you say $45,000.
Their Tongue Unfurls Like A Cartoon Fox Any Time They See An Expensive Piece Of Jewelry
Do the smart thing—roll their tongue back up and end it.
They Threaten To Leave You For Warren Buffett
That bastard has broken up more marriages than he can keep track of.
They Ask When You Plan To Die
It’s a valid question, but should they be asking you that on your wedding night?
