While there are obvious red flags such as being a man who is weak, inadequate, or a good listener, The Onion provides a helpful guide to signs that you probably are a beta male.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/flvcmpvzjugubjzfsmij.jpg)
Under 1’3″
This height actually might suggest you are a dormouse.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/13930e00daa1626aa771dd83c69af717.png)
Inability To Sustain Erection For Longer Than 97 Years
Alpha males stay hard long after their body has started moldering.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/bbbcba66eb5ae41c6606c85d9f26fe53.png)
Shopping For Food At A Grocery Store
Alphas hunt or fuck their way to a meal.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/921fb4b6f1cd8ec8023410927c4c5c98.png)
Lack Of Vestigial Tail
Alphas are able to whip their opponents across the face, thus assuring sexual dominance.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/6d8078806abd7ba7e2c487f838bb2719.jpg)
Cannot Do A Somersault For Mommy
You would have impressed Mommy so much, but instead you fucking ruined her day, you cuck piece of shit.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/16ab7e2d2e8b1a869e270289f2d37d30.png)
Your Penis Is 12 Inches Long
While alphas have penises that are so long they touch the floor, betas have micropenises that can be as small as 12 inches flaccid.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/fdc869b2fd2e1ea5d279f89686ecea15.jpg)
You Are A Human Being, Cursed With Knowing That You Are Imperfect And Understanding That You Could Be So Much More
Unfortunately, perceiving the simultaneous splendid grace and humiliation of just being alive suggests you’re nothing more than a lowly beta.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/e8ef5ac16236a2efb67818b2d0025f62.png)
Enjoyed ‘Banshees Of Inisherin,’ But Didn’t Really ‘Get’ It
The fact that you think you need to “get” something about Martin McDonagh’s tragicomic writing in order to appreciate his work suggests you’re an effete half-man.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/32d197044d0ca2484775cf94c6523668.png)
You Ask For Consent Before Taking Every Bite Of A Hamburger
Alphas don’t even wait for the animal to die before sinking their teeth in.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/f70d0be235b79359d6476edb7444c5cb.png)
Feet Don’t Twist Off And Detach
Should be springs under there that you have to replace every two years.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/43eb99fb6534d759029f457ed072f8a6.png)
Pink, Rotund, And Able To Inhale Enemies To Save Planet Popstar
If this is you, just give up. You’re never going to find a date.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/da762a9ba8a8500d5b017c7aee89ed7a.jpg)
You Are No Muss No Fuss
Alphas make a substantial amount of both muss and fuss.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/7c040ca478151ed5887cf575177869f8.jpg)
Only Having One Penis
What are you, a girl?
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/e9514cb40af72d06c8155902ef435527.jpg)
You Have Never Run With A Calf Upon Your Shoulders Every Day Until It Became A Full-Grown Ox, After Which You Butchered And Ate It In The Center Of The Olympic Stadium
Milo of Croton would like a word.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/f506257f1880567299fe46bf3145dc16.jpg)
You Own Pajamas
Alpha males work, live, and sleep in finely tailored suits.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/3af703ec565377f8d8991d754186db96.png)
Criminal Background Check Reveals A Clean Record
Ugh, humiliating.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/efaf12c2c2a6cb14b5f74eac2f142fa5.jpg)
There Are Barely Any Women Dangling From Your Large Biceps
An alpha would never step into public with fewer than 20.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/58051f793a11be10c00bcf3e0f4bbcad.jpg)
You Are Evan Davis Of 2269 Oak Ridge Drive, Seattle, Washington 98108
You are worse than beta. You are scum.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/b97f91e19e79cf16a480868d14593863.jpg)
You Aren’t Currently Penetrating Anything
Not a good look, cuck.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/a0bc9c632f44d6a2feaebd9413d35b71.png)
You’re Still An Editorial Assistant After More Than 4 Years Toiling Away At ‘Dazzle’ Magazine
An alpha male would have landed your dream gig of senior fashion editor years ago. Guess you’re not cut out for this business after all.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/61590f7c5ff14a32f8dea68a13244b82.png)
Veins Do Not Bulge Out From Your Bald Head
Worse yet, you cover them in dainty hairs.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/3126a53f1338ece087e27062f8796ff4.jpg)
You Ejaculate Without Impregnating Anything
Physiologically, the seed of a true alpha male could impregnate a pillow.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/7c7a5aacf948f82406128cabb62912a4.png)
Bards Don’t Write Ballads Lauding Your Tremendous Physical Strength
Any alpha male knows that by the time you’re 30, there should be a whole band of lute players following you from town to town in order to record your feats.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/691d802d6a2c58af60ea93f23f22e6fa.png)
Stepping Out Of The Shower Onto A Roller Skate That Propels You Toward The Stairs And Bounces Down Each Step Before You Head Straight Out The Door With Nothing But A Towel On
An alpha would never conceal his manhood with a towel.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/10adc1d4a55177766b2899fe6118b10b.jpg)
Have Been Stuck In A Well For 20 Years
No matter how much betas scream and scream, they will never emerge from the well.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/7a13b4a1cf6808b456db29914a2b8d3b.jpg)
You Do Not Mate With The Other Elephants
Oof, nothing says “solitary non-breeding male” more than failing to produce any calves.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/65507b866ea8ff4179b8a4e98bbb74ef.png)
Harem Keeps Making Excuses Why They Can’t Hang Out Tonight
Is your harem really holding a concubines-only movie marathon night, or are you just low T?
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/d9da9048f9b137e55350f4e875154173.png)
Eating With Your Mouth
If you don’t know, you don’t know. It’s not something we can teach.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/282518d7111b5a8575c2f94ec50e524b.png)
Birds Do Not Fear You
They’re very perceptive to the varying degrees of manliness.