Sharpie Introduces New Pens For Making Subtle Mark On Bottle To Check If Sober Boyfriend Drinking Again

ATLANTA—In what the company is touting as the first writing implement of its kind, permanent marker brand Sharpie introduced a new line of pens Friday designed specifically for making a subtle mark on a bottle of alcohol to determine if your supposedly sober boyfriend is drinking again. “Offering the ultimate in faint, barely visible line-making, the marks from this fine-tip pen will go unnoticed by any recovering alcoholic, especially if his vision is blurred,” said Sharpie spokesperson Denise Fernandez, demonstrating the product on several three-quarters-full bottles of gin, bourbon, and tequila to show how the wide range of hues that come in the pack blend in seamlessly with all varieties and colors of liquor. “As you can see, they make a very light mark that only you will know is there, offering you either peace of mind or, should the liquid dip below the line, the ammunition you need to prove he’s been lying to you for the past four years. It’s perfect for use on glass and—in the event your partner has reached the point where he’s just drinking the cheapest stuff available—plastic, too. It’s also smudge-resistant, even when his sweaty palms have been wrapped around the bottle, which means you can count on the line being intact when you shove the half-empty bottle in his face and say, ‘Fuck you! Fuck you, Jason! I’ve stuck by you through everything, given you the best years of my life, and this—this is what I get in return? Fuck you.’” Fernandez went on to say that Sharpie would soon be rolling out a similar line of markers for those who want to mark a block of cheese they believe their roommate has been slowly consuming.