Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
‘Why, did Mitch say he’ll do a deal? What are the terms? Never mind, I’m in!”
Ted Cruz (R-TX)
“The key to compromise is demanding that you get everything you want while giving up nothing in return.”
Tim Kaine (D-VA)
“Personally, I think compromise leads to half-hearted choices that feel safe but aren’t and that ultimately backfires terribly.”
Ben Sasse (R-NE)
“All I know is I mumble that word once, and I get booked on every fucking Sunday talk show.”
Joe Manchin (D-WV)
“Compromise? Never heard of it, but, sure, lay it on me.”
Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
“As a longtime Republican lawmaker, I’ve learned that digging in our heels accomplishes nothing but getting us everything we want.”
Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ)
“How dare you follow me into this press conference.”
Marco Rubio (R-FL)
“Compromise comes from both Democratic and GOP leadership repeatedly telling me to shut up.”
Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)
“Mine worked out great for a whole bunch of other people.”
Mitt Romney (R-UT)
“Our constituents elected us to work together and reach across the aisle every few years and not really mean it.”
Mark Kelly (D-AZ)
“Back when I served in the Galactic Council, you could get atomized if you didn’t work with the other lifeforms. I think Earthlings could learn a lot from our extraterrestrial neighbors.”
Tommy Tuberville (R-AL)
“If I compromised with my opponents, we never would’ve beaten Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl.”
Diane Feinstein (D-CA)
“Feinstein! Goodnight.”
Ron Johnson (R-WI)
“Compromise? The January 6 protestors weren’t allowed to keep a single thing they grabbed in the Capitol.”
Rand Paul (R-KY)
“Um, do people not yet understand I want to bring this whole country to its knees?”
Senator Jon Ossoff (D-GA)
“Compromise is important because it’s what every single one of my constituents had to do in order to convince themselves to vote for me.”
Chuck Grassley (R-IA)
“Yes, sir, it’s cows.”
Lisa Murkowski (R-AK)
“If I can compromise my way to getting the hell out of Alaska, you can bet I’ll keep compromising so I never have to go back.”
Ben Cardin (D-MD)
“Wow, really? No one ever asks me my opinion on anything. This is great. Most people see me and don’t even realize I’m a senator. What was the question again?”
Susan Collins (R-ME)
“Well, I’m open to considering the possibility of a broad compromise framework under certain to-be-determined circumstances at a later date, absolutely.”
Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
“You can compromise with me…if you can catch me first! I’m all slippery with margarine though, look out! Wheee!”
