CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a major breakthrough that has sent shockwaves through the basketball community, the nation’s preeminent scientists announced Thursday that a roster capable of supporting Los Angeles Lakers center Dwight Howard could theoretically exist somewhere in the NBA. “With 30 teams and over 400 players in the league, we believe a 15-man roster that is able to support Dwight Howard is out there somewhere,” said MIT theoretical physicist Dr. Jonathan Mueller, explaining that researchers are still looking for a lineup consisting of the perfect combination of elements, including balanced role players, a primary scorer with no traces of ego, and a low-pressure atmosphere, necessary to adequately sustain Howard. “We’ve come very close to developing rosters that could support him in isolated conditions, but they are incredibly unstable and always break apart in a matter of seconds. And we thought we had identified a suitable roster in Los Angeles last year, but it turned out to be far too volatile.” Mueller, who confirmed some progress has been made over the last year, expressed doubts that Howard will actually be able to successfully inhabit an NBA team within the foreseeable future.
UPDATE: Scientists postulate Howard could hypothetically inhabit one of the smaller teams in the remote cluster of NBA franchises occupying the Rust Belt.
