Scientists Discover Humans, Chimps Shared Common Friend

COLLEGE STATION, TX—In a new discovery that could have stunning implications for the field of primatology, scientists from Texas A&M University published a study Friday identifying the common friend once shared by humans and chimps. “Approximately 8 million years ago, humans and chimpanzees shared a pal named Robby, causing a significant overlap between the two friend groups,” said study co-author Wesley Torres, who noted that while the species were never exactly “buddy-buddy,” they would still exchange niceties and generally get along whenever hanging out at Robby’s or whatever place he had dragged them to. “Fossil evidence reveals that Robby was a laid-back guy with long arms and legs adapted for rowdy nights out on the town, as well as quiet, small group hangs indoors. He was really just the chill kind of dude who could be friends with anyone, regardless of whether they were bipedal, knuckle-walking, used tools, or couldn’t grasp a hammerstone to save their life. A real great ape if there ever was one.” At press time, Torres added that humans and chimpanzees diverged 6 million years ago after humans had a falling out with Robby over rent.