Scientists Announce Successful Experiment To Bankrupt Mouse That Can’t Afford Cancer Drug

BALTIMORE, MD—Heralding the trial as a major step forward in the field of medicine, scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced Thursday the first successful experiment to bankrupt a mouse that couldn’t afford a cancer drug. “Today is a landmark day in cancer research as we were able, for the first time, to give a mouse cancer and then successfully soak it for all its worth, driving it into insolvency,” said lead researcher Dr. Martin Lang, adding that their experimental successes gave the researchers hope that they could one day drain a human being’s savings for all common and rare types of cancer. “Scientific advances in treating some of the more common cancers can actually make it harder to put people in debt they never come back from, so this is a really significant breakthrough. To treat the mouse, we subjected it to chemotherapy, radiation, immunotherapy, and the most expensive combinations of all three. This mouse saw its debt skyrocket quickly, since we made sure to control for only treatment that was outside of its insurance network, and that was even before we sold the debt to a third-party collector. Most promisingly, we were able to replicate our findings on other mice as well, by completely and irreparably wrecking their credit scores in all cases.” The researchers added that their findings would also be useful in future experiments to test whether a mouse that died from its cancer could pass its debt to its family.