Since Columbine, there have been almost 400 instances of gun violence reported on school grounds in the United States. The Onion asked students how they felt about yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.
Ella Le, 1st Grade
“It was fine. How was your school shooting?”
Richard Gallego, Preschool
“Remembering the victims can really help you learn to count.”
Amelia Jimenez, 7th Grade
“When I grow up, I’m going to be president so I can do nothing about this.”
Katie Soto, 6th Grade
“One more and the principal says we’ll get a Pizza Hut day at school.”
Lilly Harper, 4th Grade
“I’ll gladly give my life to defend the Second Amendment—did I say that right, Dad?”
Cody Platt, 1st Grade
“I’m ready for anything, because Mommy and Daddy helped me get my affairs in order.”
Joseph Martin, 11th Grade
“I just got rejected from MIT, so I’m okay with whatever happens next.”
William Manks, 9th Grade
“My advice is to get in all the bullying you can—one of these kids is going to come shoot you anyway, so you might as well make it worth it.”
Marc Grover, 6th Grade
“I’m nervous because Mr. Hoggart doesn’t seem like one of those teachers who’s gonna deliberately draw a shooter’s fire.”
Kelsey Caplan, 12th Grade
“I take comfort in knowing that I’m probably too old to be a sufficiently horrifying target anymore.”
Milo Smith, 3rd Grade
“Eh, most 8-year-olds these days are fully prepared for death.”
Jill Gardner, 9th Grade
“I just want to live long enough to die at work like a normal person.”
Kayla Corimer, 9th Grade
“At least my brother won’t be needing his college fund now.”
Jessica Ogilvy, 4th Grade
“Luckily, I’m on too much lithium to really freak out over this.”
Lily-May Martin, 4th Grade
“Something has to be done, or if nothing is done, someone should start providing us snacks and stuff for lockdowns.”
Henry Poole, 10th Grade
“Have they tried blaming heavy metal music or tabletop role-playing games?”
Sadie Ingrand, 4th Grade
“Everyone has to die a violent public death someday. You might as well be amongst your friends.”
Aaron Pittman, 10th Grade
“Amateur hour. They should see what I have planned.”
