The Russian invasion of Ukraine has been going on for over a month and continues despite peace talks. The Onion looks at the most consequential statistics that tell the story of the Russia-Ukraine War.
500,000: Square acres of Russian land inconveniently located inside Ukraine
63: Loyal allies Putin had killed just to be safe
Somewhere Between $0.05 And $56 Billion: Value of crypto donations Ukrainians have received
5: Minutes of watching Zelensky’s sitcom on Netflix before switching to Bridgerton
34,872: Square miles of smoldering
17: “Ums” per sentence from any U.S. politician answering the question “Will America take in Ukrainian refugees?”
$6.21: Price per gallon of gas at which Americans stop caring about what happens to Kyiv
0: Russian soldiers who have any real idea what they lost leg for
37%: Americans who think little fortified shed will save them in event of nuclear war
6: Countries U.S. will secretly invade in near future to get oil prices back down
