Ron Johnson Shows He’s Tough On Crime By Hanging Bread Thief In Town Square

RACINE, WI—Locked in a tight reelection race and eager to convince voters of his bona fides as a law-and-order candidate, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) demonstrated he was tough on crime Thursday by hanging an accused bread thief in a Wisconsin town square. “All ye of good morals and fine virtue, gather now upon the village green and watch as this despicable young man faces the gallows for his brazen theft of a loaf of bread,” said Johnson, claiming the 11-year-old must face the ultimate punishment for allegedly stealing what appeared to be a crust of sourdough. “Pilfering the wares of a law-abiding baker is a wanton act of criminality and must be met with force, lest others of questionable character begin to think they may do the same. Let his decapitated head be placed upon a pike so that all ye who attend the farmers market held here every other Saturday remember what we do to wicked scofflaws in the state of Wisconsin.” After carrying out the execution, Johnson was reportedly informed by witnesses that the bread had come free with a meal the boy’s family had ordered at a nearby restaurant.