Roger Goodell Announces Thinking Too Hard About Football Has Given Him CTE

NEW YORK—The NFL community was rocked by another disclosure of a devastating brain injury Wednesday after commissioner Roger Goodell announced that thinking too hard about football had given him CTE. “It is with sadness that I tell you league doctors have diagnosed me with chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a condition I developed after repeated thoughts to the head,” Goodell, 63, said in a statement, adding that he sought medical attention Tuesday morning after the decision over whether to call a game between the Buffalo Bills and Cincinnati Bengals due to a player going into cardiac arrest on the field had caused him to think “way, way too hard” about football, which induced massive headaches accompanied by severe confusion. “Taking some Tylenol didn’t work, and I suddenly felt very angry at all the people asking me about football, so I went to the doctor. They informed me that after 16 years as commissioner of the league, repeatedly wondering whether football is good or bad had given me dozens of concussions. I want to take responsibility for my CTE, however, because I started having ideas about football at a young age, when my brain wasn’t fully developed, and I haven’t always worn a helmet when I thought about football. Now, I’ve unfortunately thought so much about football that I’m experiencing significant memory loss, and even suicidal ideation. I wish I had been more careful about thinking.” At press time, a visibly disoriented Goodell was seen standing nude outside NFL headquarters brandishing a handgun and threatening to end thoughts about football once and for all.