Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been making headlines due to pushing anti-vaccine propaganda, conspiracies about health, and launching his presidential campaign. The Onion sits down with the fringe Democrat to discuss his political principles.
The Onion
RFK Jr.: Now you understand the damage vaccines can cause.
The Onion
RFK Jr.: John.
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RFK Jr.: Yes.
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RFK Jr.: Now that you mention it, I did. What—what the hell is that, some sort of super vaccine?
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RFK Jr.: It’s because I have 24 bones in my body.
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RFK Jr.: Vaccine needle stuck in my throat.
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RFK Jr.: The belief I’m the only candidate who can defeat Marianne Williamson.
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RFK Jr.: Because only they understand the need to fight against the American elite controlling this country—vicious people like Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey.
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RFK Jr.: Oh my god, yes! Antibiotics cause gayness, painkillers cause climate change, sinus medicine is causing the national debt, and, of course, gummy vitamins are responsible for the Holocaust.
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RFK Jr.: This nation needs more compromise, which is why I’m glad to announce Sirhan Sirhan will join me on the campaign trail.
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RFK Jr.: Well, I’m just an average, working-class guy who, like most Americans, subscribes to the simple belief that Joe Biden drinks the blood of children.
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RFK Jr.: My work with the Natural Resources Defense Council protecting our rivers and lakes from autism.
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RFK Jr.: [Inaudible]
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RFK Jr: The people who think it’s my still-living cousin are very close—it is my cousin, but on my mom’s side. His name is Nestor Skakel, and he’s a hoot.
The Onion
RFK Jr.: Look, we don’t see eye to eye sometimes, but I love the guy. When you’re as close as we are, there’s just bound to be some disagreements.
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RFK Jr.: I may have been born a Barbie girl, but I’m totally against the Barbie World Order as it currently stands.
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RFK Jr: The right to own a sleeping bag, freedom of muttering, and the right to play leapfrog in a nice park in the twilight.
The Onion
RFK Jr.: Haven’t been shot yet.
The Onion
RFK Jr.: Well, I have a bomb strapped to my chest. How convincing do you find that?
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RFK Jr: I’ll be traveling with both of their skulls and letting the press take photos of me next to them with a big, goofy smile!
The Onion
RFK Jr.: I used to, but now that I’ve been assassinated five times, it doesn’t scare me so much anymore.
The Onion: What do you say to those who criticize your wife for standing by you as you continually spew dangerous misinformation?
RFK Jr: I would tell them that no matter how much she or any of them make you laugh, they’re rich, and the rich are not your friends, no matter what. We live in a binary system of unmovable classes: us, the wealthy; and them, the poor. You will never be us, and we barely register your existence. She is great on Curb, though.
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RFK Jr.: A sloppy CIA cover-up.
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RFK Jr: I know. I could have founded a healthy and sustainable soup-in-a-carton business called Kennedy’s Hearty Soups, and I fucked it all up! Oh God, who the fuck am I?! What am I?
The Onion
RFK Jr.: Are you implying I had something to do with my uncle’s death?
The Onion
RFK Jr.: I was 9 years old, for God’s sake. I resent the implication. This is unconscionable. I—
The Onion
RFK Jr.: Fine! Fine, goddamnit! I shot JFK. I was trained by Soviet operatives on a specially modified rifle that could accommodate my tiny fingers. They never would have expected a little kid. But you sons of bitches had to go digging, didn’t you? You have no idea what you’ve just unearthed. You’ll rue the day you dug too deep into something you can’t possibly comprehend.
The Onion: Where do you see yourself in five years?
RFK Jr: Barricading myself inside the White House as the Deep State agents close in.
The Onion
RFK Jr.: Biden.
