Research Suggests Most Americans One Explosion Away From Disaster

CHICAGO—Warning that large swaths of the population had left themselves vulnerable, new research published Monday by the University of Chicago suggested that most Americans were one explosion away from disaster. “Our findings indicate that the average American is merely a single blast away from utter calamity,” said lead researcher Claire Kruzel, explaining that Americans typically weren’t even prepared to last five seconds after being blown to bits in a fiery blaze. “It’s an extremely precarious position citizens of this country find themselves in, given that even a minor gas explosion could send them into crisis mode, let alone more significant detonations of C4 or TNT. Even something as simple as a routine checkup could leave Americans with nothing if the hospital explodes.” At press time, Kruzel suggested Americans could safeguard themselves by abstaining from getting blown up.