After the House of Representatives passed a bill to strengthen the presidential certification process, The Onion asked Republicans who voted against it why they oppose reforming the Electoral Count Act.
Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)
“I have one ‘yes’ vote per year, and I’m saving it for the bill where we legalize cannibalism.”
Kevin McCarthy (R-CA)
“I just vote against everything. Even if you put a bill on the floor mandating that every American had to suck my dick and give me $200 after, I would still vote against it.”
Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
“I think counting numbers is a made-up crock of shit that liberals invented.”
Greg Pence (R-IN)
“For so many years, I’ve wanted to see my brother killed by lunatic extremists. This is still my best chance.”
Steve Scalise (R-LA)
“Being president shouldn’t be as easy as convincing everyone to vote for you. You should also have to imprison hundreds of violent militiamen who swarm the Capitol to kill you.”
Paul Gosar (R-AZ)
“I think it’s a sort of meaningless piece of legislation that doesn’t really address the underlying issues surrounding election integrity. Also, it still allows Black people to vote.”
Elise Stefanik (R-NY)
“The less votes are counted, the better my chance to be elected to higher office.”
Darrell Issa (R-CA)
“I don’t know. Why does anyone do anything? Get off my fucking back.”
French Hill (R-AR)
“Everyone else must suffer as much as I, a man whose name sounds like knockoff salad dressing.”
Buddy Carter (R-GA)
“I really want MTG to start calling me Bud Light so that it will catch on with the others, so I vote for whatever she does.”
Michael Guest (R-MS)
“I don’t know. I just look at whichever way the person next to me is voting and vote the same.”
Louie Gohmert (R-TX)
“Gohmie naughty!”
Joseph Gurney Cannon (R-IL)
“I thought the idea of electoral count reform was cockamamy back when I voted against it in 1887, and I still think it’s nonsense now!”
Mark Amodei (R-NV)
“Because if it all breaks right in 2024, guess who’s gonna be president? That’s right, Mark Amodei.”
Matt Gaetz (R-FL)
“If my 17-year-old girlfriend’s vote doesn’t count, neither should anyone else’s.”
Randy Feenstra (R-IA)
“I didn’t want it to go forward because I don’t think that a bill on voting rights should get decided by something as undemocratic as the Senate.”
Joe Wilson (R-SC)
“Wait, they record how we vote? Fuck! My constituents are going to be pissed.”
Trey Hollingsworth (R-IN)
“If you’ve read the entire bill, you know that it contains a lot of words, which made me tired and bored, so I voted nay.”
Madison Cawthorn (R-NC)
“I have a special coin I keep in my desk. It has Thomas Jefferson on it. Whenever I have to cast a vote on a bill, I flip the coin. Heads is yea; tails is nay. People think I’m super conservative, but I’m not. Every decision I make is based on the coin, including the decision to never walk again. I love my coin.”
David Schweikert (R-AZ)
“I couldn’t make the last Capitol riot, but I’m really hoping I get an invite for the next one.”
Jim Jordan (R-OH)
“There aren’t enough frustrating ambiguities and loopholes in the presidential certification process to begin with, so I will be introducing my own bill to add a few wrinkles.”
Kay Granger (R-TX)
“The founding fathers designed our voting system to be so incredibly flawed that it is easy to exploit and manipulate, and it is our duty to keep it that way.”
Dusty Johnson (R-SD)
“Oh, is that what I was voting on?”
