Josh Hawley (Missouri)
“Policy should only be based on empirically sourced Scripture.”
John Cornyn (Texas)
“I can’t support something I refuse to read.”
Mitch McConnell (Kentucky)
“This bill will negatively affect Americans who survive by breathing methane.”
Marco Rubio (Florida)
“Just let the seas rise and wash me away from this miserable life.”
John Thune (South Dakota)
“A dead and blighted planet is our best chance of taking China down.”
Ted Cruz (Texas)
“After the global climate apocalypse, I plan to broker an alliance between the cockroach and the beetle, both of whom I shall rule with a heavy pincer.”
Mike Lee (Utah)
“I oppose government intervention in our looming deaths.”
Susan Collins (Maine)
“The environment could be harboring immigrants.”
John Barrasso (Wyoming)
“Not voting for a climate bill really sticks it to those pampered elite farmers and agricultural workers of effete urban enclaves like Wyoming.”
Joni Ernst (Iowa)
“I stuck a fork inside a light socket and nearly died. If that was what clean energy feels like, I want it banned.”
Jim Inhofe (Oklahoma)
“I would save a lot on electricity if I didn’t have to keep the heat lamp plugged in on my lizard’s terrarium all day.”
Ben Sasse (Nebraska)
“Climate is all about perspective. Some people run hot, I run cold. The temperature is whatever you make of it.”
Marsha Blackburn (Tennessee)
“Did you know trees’ pollen is basically their ejaculate? And it’s entering our children. They’re pedos.”
Cindy Hyde-Smith (Mississippi)
“My hairspray use alone has raised the temperature of the planet by 5 degrees.
Richard Shelby (Alabama)
“Clean energy would mean that more minorities would survive, and that goes against my duty as an elected official.”
Lindsey Graham (South Carolina)
“Say what you will, but a climate crisis makes it more likely that I die in a hurricane.”
Tom Cotton (Arkansas)
“I wake up every night to awful night terrors, tortured by the painful knowledge that I have no moral core and will vote along whatever party line serves me best, sacrificing society for my own personal gain, so I figure might as well lean into it.”
Thom Tillis (North Carolina)
“I refuse to turn America into some kind of clean-energy dystopia where we have breathable air and potable water and our nation’s oil lobbyists go hungry every single night.”
Bill Cassidy (Louisiana)
“The devil takes many forms, and one of those forms is a wind turbine. Another form is a hydraulic dam. And another form is the solar panel that keeps telling me to kill my family.”
Shelley Moore Capito (West Virginia)
“They wouldn’t try my idea for shrimp energy. It’s an alternative form of energy where you have shrimp run, or swim, or whatever, I haven’t totally ironed that part out yet, but then they make energy that is natural, like the good kind of energy, way better than wind energy, which frankly makes me frightened. I gave Congress all these diagrams, which I drew all by myself, of hundreds of happy shrimp jumping or rotating very quickly, and that creates tons of energy, like 100 energies per second, but noooo, the Democrats aren’t interested. Well, if you wanted to lose the Shelley Moore Capito vote, you done lost it!”
Richard Burr (North Carolina)
“Don’t understand. Bill Democrat, Democrat bad? Republican good, Democrat bad? No Democrat, yes Republican. Right?”
Rick Scott (Florida)
“There is a terrifying link between living on the same planet as a wind turbine and being transgender.”
Roy Blunt (Missouri)
“Because I am unequivocally dead inside and I wish to spread the seed of darkness to all who inhabit this forsaken planet. Plus, money.”
