Report: You Have Earned Enough OnionBucks To Purchase Virtual Gloves

THE ONIONVERSE—Noting the newly earned digital apparel would help keep your e-fingers stylish and warm, sources confirmed Wednesday that you have earned enough OnionBucks to purchase virtual gloves. “Congratulations, you can now buy a brand-new pair of virtual gloves on the Onion Market,” said the web-based authorities, stressing that it had never been easier for readers of The Onion to express their unique identity through online merchandise and emotes. “Once you equip these gloves, you’ll be the envy of everyone in our articles. And for a mere $2,999, you can even buy an Onion Dance to celebrate your new virtual gloves. These gloves are green. But keep earning OnionBucks, and you could upgrade to pink, blue, or even white!” At press time, sources urged you to go onto the OnionExchange to buy and sell OnionBucks, thereby even further raising your value in the Onionverse.