Report: Thinking About Way You Look All The Time Burns 5,000 Calories An Hour

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling it a vigorous exercise without equal, a report released Wednesday by Florida State University found that thinking about the way you look all the time burns 5,000 calories per hour. “With slight variations depending on weight, gender, and age, we noted the average person can burn an estimated 5,000 calories every hour that they spend being totally consumed by their physical shortcomings,” said lead researcher Dr. Diane Mendrey, adding that the exact form of self-disgust can range from obsessing over a particularly shameful facial feature to comparing yourself to a specific attractive person whom you’ve been jealous of your entire life. “Even five minutes of fixating on blemishes or stretch marks or the size of your forehead will get your heart pumping enough to burn a couple hundred calories, which means you can do it in the shower, standing in line at the grocery store, or pretty much anywhere. Despite the array of common excuses, there’s honestly really no reason to not dwell on your imperfections.” Mendrey went on to say, however, that generously accepting the flaws that are an inevitable part of the human condition slowed the metabolism to almost dangerous levels.